❓How do adolescents see their immigration to a new place? ❓What do parents need to consider when making this step?Dr. Gabor Maté reflects on his own migration to Canada.
During an interview for the podcast MindArchitect, Dr. Gabor Maté took a trip down the memory lane back to his family’s immigration from Hungary to Canada when he was an adolescent (listen between minute 20:30 and 23:30). His recollections serve as a good opportunity to discuss what parents and adolescents need to take into account when changing their location.
According to Dr. Maté, adolescents generally need structure and guidance, which caregivers can no longer offer in the initial stage of settling in a new city or country of residence. This happens because, during this time, parents are mostly focused on making a living there.
Another impeding factor is the level of language knowledge. During my research for the master thesis (⬇️) I became more aware that children tend to learn the local language faster than their parents and they reach fluency before the adult members of their family do. This results in offsprings orientating themselves easier and faster in the new environment and it creates a misalignment in the family dynamic. Dr. Gabor Maté describes it, from his experience, as a “loss of beneficial hierarchy” in his family.
➡️ I finished my studies in Intercultural Communication and Education with a thesis called “Does Parenthood Stimulate Second Language Learning?” It was a gender-comparative study on attitudes and motivation of migrant parents in the Czech Republic towards learning the Czech Language. One of the aspects mentioned by the interviewed parents in relation to learning Czech is that their children learnt the language faster than them.
Dr. Maté’s loneliness emerging from this loss was due both to the fast pace of adapting to the new environment and to the cultural differences he easily noticed back then between Canada, his new home, and Hungary, the country that his family had left behind. Navigating through the discrepancy between the “new” versus “old” way of living resulted, in his case, in letting go of the inherited tradition, history and culture that surrounded him in Hungary. And subsequently in making room for the idea that “the past doesn’t matter”, which he noticed in his early days in Canada.
Zooming out on this aspect: for new immigrants, the struggle to find their way during this initial phase of settling into a new environment may result in an inner conflict. Especially in the beginning of the migration process, some people tend to be very attached to their own past. The options they have for a smoother integration will be discussed in a separate article, for the moment let’s see what the young Gabor Maté opted for: fully embracing the newly discovered culture, while renouncing his favourite activities in Hungary – reading profound books.
In his words:
“Basically I gave up my intellect and I gave up what I was passionate about in this world”.
The consequence?
“So I felt out of place and I was lost for a few years”.
The feelings Dr. Maté mentions here belong to the identity crisis that some people experience during their migration process. Renouncing their habits and traditions hoping thus for a faster integration in the new environment may lead to feeling estranged not only from the previous place they lived in, but also from theirselves.
As Dr. Maté summarises it:
“You’re losing your context, you’re losing your sense of belonging.”
Towards the end of this interview section, Dr. Gabor Maté connects loneliness and loss to another facet of immigration: the situation when parents immigrate alone, while their children remain in their country of origin. In this case, it is not only the adults that should expect the feeling of loss. Dr. Maté makes it clear that parents need to realise the impact on their kids, as the offspring “are losing you” as a parent in this process.
Understanding the feelings usually related to the early stages of migration helps us address them with empathy and patience. Just like learning a new language, getting comfortable in a new place, especially with a different cultural background than the latter, takes time. The acclimatisation may sometimes be perceived as a struggle to fit in, as there is a considerable effort associated to it. In spite of feeling “strange and lonely in those days”, Dr. Maté sees his struggles now as “necessary”.
As we can see, immigration is a nuanced and individual experience that comes along with gains and losses. I listened with great joy to Dr. Gabor Maté remembering his own migration path, as I find it so necessary to consider everyone’s feelings in the relocation process. From my experience, when talking about immigration with all its ups and downs, adults are usually the ones asked how they’re doing, what they currently need, what they miss from their old home and so on. It’s rarely children or adolescents who receive these questions. So let’s involve the young ones more in our discussions on this topic and give them a chance to express their feelings towards it. I’m sure we’ll all learn a lot from it.
Yours confidently,
Corina
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